glimpse of me

i’m trying to drown myself with music once again…

i’m trying to use my keyboard as my piano keys…

i was about to tell you i love you earlier…

i was there listening to your phone ringing in my ear…

but before you can answer, the coward in me pressed the end button…

i may never had the courage to tell you…

you might never hear me utter those words in this lifetime….

but i do…

i love you more than i can say…

more than these words i’m trying to write..more than anything i can think of
right now…

you’re the only one…the only one who were able to see me as me…

the only one who understood…

the only one whom i don’t have to hide a single scar, a single flaw…

i may never find another one like you in this journey of mine…

but i promise you…

i will kiss you like i’ve never kissed anyone else…

i will hug you like my life depended on it…just give me time…

i may be too late…

but there’s no harm in trying…

i’ll be hanging on tight…

8-15-2010

10:50pm

By Angel Manalad ©

“Today is gonna be the day
That they’re gonna throw it back to you”

Looking at the clouds through the window, I calmly listen to the much familiar song. It’s been a year. I have waited a year, and now I’m finally on my way to see you. I can remember it as if it was yesterday.

We we’re just two people in the other side of the world, communicating through the wonders of technology. It was just some sort of past time in the beginning, a wonder on how two people can talk amidst the distance. But soon, it became more. Pretensions are stripped away, real people and emotions surfaced. We found ourselves unconsciously dreaming of a future that will surpass boundaries.

“I wish you can see the stars with me tonight.”
“Yeah, unfortunately in this side, the sun is still glaring back at me.”

We became friends, secret keepers, up to the point that a day can’t pass by without talking to one another. You welcomed me inside your world, and you became a big part of mine.

“Do you think what we have will ever end?”
“I don’t really know, but I hope not. Coz I think if that happens, I should learn how to live with an amputated half of my body.”

To that first time that I heard your voice, I know I’m bound to keep you forever. Many sleepless nights against time zones, many frustrated moments wishing its just mere streets and not oceans and lands that we have to cross.

“I have to go somewhere, I need this new job. I hope you’d still be there.”
“…I want to be here. I will be here. I’m not promising anything. But you know how important you are to me.”
“I won’t be able to talk to you as often… ”
“That’ll be hard but let’s try.”

We were both screaming silently during that day. I know what you were thinking, and I know you know it too. Yet we exchanged the pleasantries. I was always the optimist between the two of us. I’m looking beyond the one whole year we’ll be spending apart not physically but more on mentally.

It was a year of agony, less conversations. We started with phone calls but it just became too expensive as I spent half hour just crying for missing you so much to the point you can’t understand me in between sobs. I was like a little girl always crying not wanting to go to school. Yet you patiently listened.

“You know what? ”
“What?”
“I have a new job.  The job I wanted for so long.”
“Good for you! When was this? Why didn’t you tell me you passed an application?”
“I never thought they’ll hire me and decided just to tell you if ever they’ll do. ”
“I’m so happy for you!”
“I know, I’m so happy right now, I want to kiss you.”
“LOL.”
“But there’s bad news too.”
“What is it?”
“Well, I know we have been trying real hard to find the time to at least talk even for just some time each week. With this new job, it’ll be harder. It’s almost a whole day job.”
“But it’s the job you like; you know that I would support you 100%. Our time will come, dear.”

Missed calls, you sleep when I wake up, we live in emails and soon it became fewer and fewer. It’s been two weeks now since the last time I’ve talked to you. You have to rush somewhere that we were just able to say hi and hello and ask each other how we are. I figured it will be a good surprise anyway. I booked a flight and here I am almost seeing the land below, where I know you’ll be.

I breathe in, familiarizing myself with the air you breathe. I remembered the airport prank I played on you before and I wondered if you’ll respond the same way again. I dreamt of this moment a million times, and now I’m here for real with just a phone call away from you. I walk over to a pay phone.

I dialed hastily, not wanting another wasted minute.
“Hello?”
“Hello? Who’s this?”
“Uhm, where is Philippe?”
“This is his wife, he’s in the shower. Who’s this?”
“This is Tanya…his friend…”
“Oh you’re Tanya, he’s been telling me a lot about you. I’m sorry you couldn’t come to our wedding yesterday.”

And as easy as that my world began to shatter. The telephone fell out of my hand; I can literally feel the blood drain off my face as my knees begin to lose its strength. I can hear a distant murmur of hello on the other line. But I just can’t grasp reality as of the moment. It was all for nothing. All those frustrations, tears and wasted hours and minutes it all came crashing down to this, I found myself slumped, sitting beside the phone booth watching a plane take off in a starry night. Maybe right at this minute we’re looking at the same sky, watching the same set of stars.

No time nor limits

No such dance nor holding hands

Just our moans and grunts…

—

Speak through those blue eyes

Come and please me with a smile

Tease me and I’d die…

—

Sweet lines and phrases

Pleasure in your word mazes

Dampens all my laces…

—

Distance and time zones

Race and tastes, forgotten

Just because of us…

—

We’re no perfection

Yet not an imitation

Just best intentions…

—

Ignite my senses

With your visuals and your words

In our own small world…

—

I’m learning, yearning

For a touch, a fiery warmth,

Anything from you…

—

Your smile so bright

Such a pretty sight

Maybe you can make me feel alright…

—

Blue and you

Blond and hue

I’m badly wanting to be a part of you…

–

I want you now,

Warmth around my body

While sleeping soundly…

-

Crazy and lovely

Your melancholy and mine

Reality and time…

-

Please me and tease me

Just pull me inside your arms

Drown me in your warmth…

-

Dreaming of your voice,

Such symphony against noise,

Left me with no poise…

-

Watching the sunset,

Witnessing a flower bloom,

Without you is doom…

-

Go on brush my lips,

Touch my hand before i slip,

Wake me, I’m asleep…

-

Saying i miss you,

Wanting to lay next to you

Hug me and kiss me too…

-

Like a bank with assets

You’ve got your eyes and your jacket

My heart in debit…

-

Charm me with a smile,

Then warm me up with your style,

Now bound cannot fly…